Feb 13, 2006
My Mom
Today would have been my mother’s 58th birthday… I say would have been, because she passed away 4 years ago, from a brain hemorrhage while my brother and I were on a plane coming to say our last goodbyes. We never got to say them.
Death is a hard thing.
It’s so completely final… It’s hard to get your head around – the concept that this person is now gone. A mother, a daughter, a wife – gone. One minute they are there – embodying all the memories, thoughts, emotions and love that has filled a lifetime and then a breath later all that slips quietly away.
But, it’s like a pebble tossed into a still pond – the ripples that are created touch the furthest shores of our lives. First there are the immediate effects – all the affairs to put in order, the funeral, all the stuff to go through, a car to sell, an estate to settle… Then when you think you’ve come through the worst of it, the real changes start to sink in.
Holidays are different. Family gatherings in general take on a new equilibrium, as roles and responsibilities are absorbed by those who remain. Traditions change or evolve or even fade away. A recipe for a cake or a pie is gone – or even worse, just not the same. The ingredients are there but something just isn’t right – it’s not the way you remember it. How the heck did she make it taste like that? It’s a little thing, but it’s changed forever.
In fact, a complete history is simply gone – you can’t just pick up the phone and say, “What was the name of my 3rd grade teacher… You know, the one who told me I breathed too loud?” Part of who you are seems less real. The things that you shared with that person become more…hollow…as if the spirit of the memory has died with the person. “Did we rake the leaves first, or was that after we had lunch, I can’t remember…” You’ll never know for sure.
The worst of it is that this slow fading cascades down the generations. Answers to questions about my family – names, people, places – complete happenings and roots that set me up to grow to where I am today, died with my grandmother. And precious memories of my grandmother died with my mother – things that I either never knew, or just didn’t remember when I was told because it didn’t seem important at the time. The ripples reach the furthest shores, but eventually the pond becomes still once again.
And yet for all this lost memory, what hurts the most, I think, is that she never got to meet my daughter. She never got to hold Emily, or see her laugh or had the chance to teach her all the things that she taught me. Yes, it’s the memories that won’t ever happen that hurt the most.
Death is a hard thing indeed.
I don’t believe that I could handle it if I wasn’t a Christian. I live in the comfort that my mother knew the Lord, and that I will see her again.
The Bible makes this very clear. From the simple Psalm 68:20:
Our God is a God who saves;
from the Sovereign LORD comes escape from death.
to the more complete and descriptive passage of 1 Thessalonians 4:15-17
According to the Lord’s own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever.
My faith affirms her eternal salvation in Christ Jesus, and that speaks testament to the fact that we will have a family reunion one day.
Some would say that this is simplistic or childish or even worse, that I am full of denial about the finality of death.
I say rubbish – nature has no need of emotional ties or tears, and yet they exist. If people are only a complex mass of carbon and water, then why does their passing hurt so much? I say that it is because people are more than that; they have a soul that goes beyond the physical into the spiritual. And we love the soul, not the flesh.
Fortunately, we are like our Father in that – God loves the soul too, and sent his only Son to redeem it.
Therefore, since the children share in flesh and blood, he likewise shared in their humanity, so that through death he could destroy the one who holds the power of death (that is, the devil), and set free those who were held in slavery all their lives by their fear of death (Hebrews 2:14-15).
Even though my brother and I never made it to my Mom’s side before she passed, being a Christian means that there is no last goodbye – just an extended “See you soon…”
Thank God, because boy, do I miss my Mom.
Wow, I can’t say I have been this moved in a long, long time. Certainly brings tears to my eyes and I have just met you. I have been very, very fortunate in my short life to have dealt with very few deaths, but after reading this I can almost feel your pain that you are going through or at least get a puncturing view of it. Thank you for sharing that with me, I am very sorry for your loss and the pain you feel, but as you said, you will see her again.
Oh CRAP! I’m crying so hard I can’t type well. Man, I miss her! Take care of your heart people, there are people that love you!
I know what you mean Mikey… Me too… I’m glad I’ve still go you Bro!
Thanks for your kind words Phil – its an amazing thing about loss, isn’t it? You are OK most of the time, because time does heal, but the echos of the sorrow sometimes sneak up on you.
I’m SO glad I will see her again!
God bless,
A
You are a very talented writer, Andrew. You really moved me with your eloquent tribute to your mother. Like Phil, I’ve dealt with few deaths (or at least that I was old enough to “appreciate”), but your beautiful words convey your pain.
Thank for your kind words Jason… For some reason, its helpful to know that others are reading what I wrote. Its somehow therapeutic compared to writing in private.
Best regards,
A
As painful as it is to lose a loved one, you must be thankful for the blessings you still have. You still have a brother to help remember your childhood. I am an only child, and the thought that when my parents pass away there will be no one to remember my childhood frightens me. Hold tight to your family! They will get you through. May God bless you and keep you.
Hi Guttergirl,
Thanks for stopping by…
“you must be thankful for the blessings you still have.” SOO very true…
“Hold tight to your family! They will get you through.” Amen!
God’s best to you,
A
Hi Andrew,
A very fine tribute……as good as it gets. I’m sure she is proud of you, knowing your character as well as your love for her. We can only hope that we will be remembered as well. Thank you for bringing her memory to life, and reminding us of eternity.
Phil’s Dad
Andrew,
Every morning, I log onto Phil’s site and go down the list of links… it took awhile to digest this very moving post. Although I cannot say I can relate, I can know full well that your Mother is with the Lord and one awesome day you will be reunited forever! I’m glad that your faith is strong and unwavering. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Tina
I’m not sure what to even say. That was a very well written and moving post. You are very fortunate that you can rest assured that you will see her again. The comfort in that is amazing. I can say having lost many people I am close to (but never a parent don’t get me wrong I can only begin to imagine what you have gone through) that is the greatest comfort. The even harder ones are the ones I’m not sure shared our faith. Hold tight to what you have and always remember the importance of telling everyone you love that you do because you never ever know. Find comfort in the memories you do have and the family and friends still with you and especially in the fact that you will see her again. Thank you so much for sharing that with us. God’s blessings to you.
Thank you all for your words of encouragement and wisdom – they are very healing…
honestly… I don’t know what to say, it also moved me to tears and brought a couple of things up. I exactly know what you are going trough… all I can give to you is a *globalhug* and understanding. Take care about the both of you, your mom will always be with you. I am sure she is watching and proud of you guys.
Know that your mother will always be with you. In a breeze that has her smell, a memory that is triggered by a flower she used to like. She still lives on in you, and still looks down on you from heaven. She is lucky to have raised two sons that love her as much as you do.
Keep your head up, and when ever you think of her smile.
“that there is no last goodbye – just an extended “See you soon…”
That’s right and she’s not completely gone from you. Not only is she still with you in spirit .. she still lives on through you.
This beautiful tribute to your mother is proof of that.
Though some memories will fade .. the important ones will always be with you. The silly funny ones as well as the serious ones.
We are who we are because of the love our parents gave us .. and that is something that will never be forgotten.
And you will pass that love onto our children and the memory will always continue.
You are amazing ! and Im so glad you shared your tribute.
God bless your spirit and keep you safe
Your mom will always live on! -in you and yours
Thank you for your kind words Ginny! She was an amazing lady…