Mar 22, 2006

That is the question…

On a Christian forum recently, a member was having a deep crisis of faith.  At first, he reached out asking for help to restore his faith in God, but a few questions later it was revealed that what was really bothering him was the age old dilemma of premarital sex.  He and his girlfriend, both Christians, were trying to figure out if they were going to take “the next step” in their relationship, and it created the crisis at hand.

“How can God give me such strong desires and then deny me their satisfaction?” - was essentially the question.  They love each other, intend on getting married (though they are not officially engaged) and, of course, are deeply attracted to each other.  What should they do?

Now, something shocked me about this issue.  Not the issue itself, but rather people’s response to it.  I was shocked at the number of people (all Christians) who wrote in and basically said, “Hey, if you love each other, profess that to God and then you are married, so have fun and be safe…”.

I was equally shocked at the number of people who wrote in saying, “It’s a sin, don’t do it.  God said don’t, so don’t.”

What kind of advice is that?  “Hey kid, don’t worry about it!” and “Just don’t!”  One is flat out wrong, and the other is about as helpful as a rock to a drowning man.

Now, I want to start off by saying that you will find no personal judgment from me on how you have chosen to handle this topic in your life. I’m not even making a statement on how I chose to handle this.  My response to this panel was for the benefit of this confused young man and simply reflects truths that I’ve come to understand about God and about relationships.  Some of you may recognize a paragraph or two from a previous article I wrote on sin in general, but this one specifically tackles premarital sex.

Anyway, here is my advice.

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Shotfire, let me tell you something that most people won’t tell you.  By having sex before marriage, you aren’t loosing your salvation, you aren’t going to go to hell – and, in fact, you’ll probably enjoy it.  At first.

See, God doesn’t tell us to NOT do this just to be a killjoy – He has our best interests at heart.  It saddens me that many people think of God as a stodgy bummer that simply has it in for our modern lives. “God just doesn’t want me to have any fun. I can’t have oodles of wild sex with anyone I meet because GOD doesn’t want me to. I can’t lie my way out of any situation because GOD doesn’t want me to. I can’t shove a fork into the eye of the guy that just cut me off on the freeway because GOD doesn’t want me to.” 

It wasn’t until I had a child of my own that I finally started to understand that God doesn’t need us to not do these things. He tells us to not do these things because it would be better for us if we didn’t. Its just like me not letting my daughter play with the sharp knives on the table – I know that she is going to hurt herself by doing it. Is it any different with God?

No, I don’t think you’ll go to Hell for cheating on your taxes, but you might go to jail.  The same is true with premarital sex – the world won’t blow up, and you won’t loose your salvation, but you may regret it forever.

Unless you actually DO go ahead and marry this girl, you will regret this decision for the rest of your life.  If you think you will end up married, go ahead and marry her now.  Why wait?  If there are reasons enough to wait for marriage, there are reasons enough to wait for sex.

God designed sex as both a spiritual and physical thing – when you have sex with someone, you give them a piece of yourself – no pun intended.  This is true in the physical as well as in the psychological and spiritual sense.  You will give a piece of your soul to this person, as she will to you.  For a time, you BECOME ONE.

Now, say you DON’T end up married for any number of reasons; you will never be whole again.  You’ve become one with another person, and separating tears you apart – part of you goes with her, and part of her comes with you.  Now, when you meet the RIGHT woman, you won’t be able to give yourself to her completely, and neither will your current girlfriend.  Pre-marital sex practically GUARANTEES that you will be holding something back from your eventual spouse.

And, then what is to stop you from doing this again, if you two break up?  Now, you’ve already HAD sex, so what’s the big deal?  You’ll then have sex with your next girlfriend, and so on, eventually leaving pieces of your heart scattered around as if it wasn’t the most precious thing you had to give…

Would you like a spouse that is hiding a past from you?  Do you really want her to NOT hide it from you?  Would you like a spouse comparing you to other lovers she’s had?  How would you like to be comparing your spouse to previous lovers?

God didn’t intend us to have this knowledge, not for HIS sake, but for ours.

I know that the desire for sex can be almost unbearable at times – trust me, I’ve been there.  But this is a pain that WILL go away, at its proper time.  If you make a poor choice now, you’ll have a pain that will never go away.  Which would you prefer?

Is it easy?  Hell no, but neither is risking your future.

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What did this young man decide to do?  I think for now he may have decided to wait.  He responded with:

Wow. Thank you so much Milo. You really got me thinking. I now have a different outlook on this. Thank you so much. You may of just saved someonethere [sic] life.

I wish him the best of luck with his choice, as both options can be very tough.  A quick word - no, I didn’t forget about all the other “practical” reasons for waiting: unwanted pregnancy, disease, etc.  I figure those are a given, whereas the spiritual aspect may not be as clear.  From the response of many on that board, I have to make that assumption.  This is too serious for a “don’t worry about it” attitude, I don’t even want to touch on the “you are married in God’s eyes” deal, and “Just don’t” simply doesn’t help.  If it did, there wouldn’t be the dilemma in the first place.

Anyway, I do know that these people meant well, so I can’t be too upset with them.  Well, maybe I’ll touch on the “married in God’s eyes” issue in a later post… 

What if I didn’t Wait?

Now for the next hard question – what if one doesn’t wait until marriage, what then?

Some of you may be out there thinking, “Hey, I didn’t wait, and it isn’t so bad…” and others may be dealing with the issues that I raised in my advice to Shotfire.  They may seem to be mutually exclusive outcomes, but really they aren’t.

Some people won’t be affected by this as much as others – but that is a crap shoot at best.  You may not be, but what about your future spouse?  If you are married and haven’t found this to be an issue, praise God for his grace in both of your lives!  He can heal all wounds, and this is no exception.

BUT, He won’t necessarily shelter us from the consequences of our choices.  To those of you who are struggling with these pains, I would say this – have faith in God’s goodness.  He is in the business of taking the worst things that can happen and working them for the good – and this is far from “the worst” thing that can happen.  Trust in His love for you, accept His Peace that truly does transcend all understanding, and then ask for grace, healing and His will to be done in your life.

Why ask for His will, rather than just straight healing?  That’s a whole other topic for another time, but for now I’ll say that while submitting to His Will doesn’t guarantee a bump-free ride, I can promise you that the final destination will be much better than had you decided to drive yourself.  He may yet be using these struggles to prepare you for His divine purpose – maybe to strengthen you for other inevitable struggles, or simply to build in you character and wisdom that will one day play a pivotal role in someone else’s life.

At the end of the day, His choices are much better than ours – as is evidenced by the fact that He warned us to not do this in the first place – so, let’s acknowledge that in our prayers.  Even Jesus prayed this way – “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” (Matthew 26:39)

Anyway, I hope that this helps someone.  I know a lot of it is counter-culture, even for many Christians.